Tag Archives: Twilight

Twihard: With a Vengeance

I consider myself a fairly well-rounded individual, as I enjoy learning about all sorts of different subjects,  but of all the things that remain a mystery to me (e.g. how the Hoover Dam was built, algebra and the surprising longevity of Howie Mandel’s career) , nothing has come close to my complete lack of comprehension of the tween-to- Cougar phenomenon that is “Twilight.” 

I don't even know what to say about this.

I will be up front right now and state that I have not read the books.  I have, however,  been subjected by my wife to the first two films, and from that experience I cannot  understand why the rabid fans of this  story make the girls in the crowd at a Duran Duran concert in 1985 look like the audience for an educational lecture on the dangers of sunstroke.  I have to keep coming back to the realization that as A.) a man and B.) a man who is old enough to make references to Duran Duran,  Twilight simply wasn’t made for me.   Much like soy burgers and recumbent bicycles. 

From what I have gathered so far, the story seems to revolve around a vampire and a werewolf fighting over a girl (Bella) who has as much magnetism as that giveaway from my Dentist’s office which struggles to hold my phone bill to the fridge.   But as much as a dud as she seems to be, I still think that she could do better than these two guys.  Both of whom seem like the sort of d-bag a girl would wonder why she dated so long when the relationship ended. 

The vampire is a wishy-washy moper who has a perpetual “It’s 4:20 at Tommy Chong’s house” -look on his face.  He breaks up with Bella about every 15 minutes because he doesn’t want her to get hurt, never hangs out with her friends and still lives with his creepy parents even though he is about 1,000 years old.  But he sparkles in the daylight like a stripper walking to her car after closing time.  So he’s got that going for him. 

The werewolf has a unpredicatable temper which will most likely end with someone needing stitches. But if you got to know the real him you would see that he is really sweet when he isn’t throwing your Precious Moments figurines through the tv screen because  you taped over “The Ultimate Fighter.”  He rarely wears a shirt and has abs that look like a topographic map of the Andes, so I guess that makes up for a lot. 

Women seem to fall into one of two camps with these guys.  My wife has let me know on many occasions that she thinks the actor who portrays Captain Six-Pack is the bees knees.  (In all fairness, she probably didn’t use those exact words)  After seeing this young man, I can say without hesitation that the only thing that I have in common with him (looks or otherwise) is that we are both currently living on Earth. 

The thing that I find most amusing about this Twilight craze is that if I had asked my wife to watch a straight-to-DVD quality movie about vampires and werewolves 5 years ago she would have told me to get lost.  But she called me after seeing the latest installment at the theater to let me know that it was “soooooo  good.”  

I am an admitted nerd, but I guess I just don’t understand being a crazed fan of anything.  I once attended a 12 am opening night showing of “Star Wars: Episode 1,” before which a portly Jedi tore his ACL having a light saber duel with a Sith Lord who may or may not have spent his days working at Kinko’s.  Witnessing that event changed me.  I think, now, I could only reach the Twilight fan’s level of excitement if Elvis delivered a pizza to my house in the Batmobile. 

I don’t begrudge the fans for their enjoyment of these stories.  I think it is great that it gets people so excited and maybe gets them to read something.  But this isn’t my thing.  So, for now, I will let others have their fun as I steer clear of this craze in the same way that I do with man-capri’s….or the Mercury Capri. 

Where was the government oversight of the Big 3 when this happened?

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